Going Home: Cristelís Diary
Prison Diaries
Produced by: Joe Richman All Things Considered (NPR)
1/23/2001


ROBERT SIEGEL, HOST: Today we have the last in our series, "Prison Diaries." It takes place at The Rhode Island Training School. To the young people locked up inside itís known simply as "The Ritz." The training school houses all of Rhode Islandís juvenile offenders, boys and girls. Cristel was fifteen when she attacked a classmate with a razor blade. When the fight was over the other girl needed more than 100 stitches on her face and neck. Cristel was sentenced to 6 and one-half years at the Ritz. She was five months pregnant and very angry. But slowly, things started to change. This is Cristelís story.

[Hear knocking on door]

JUVENILE PROGRAM WORKER(JPW): Cristel, 6íoclock, time to get up.
CRISTEL: Coming. [Yawns] 6 am. [Clears throat] This is Cristel. Iím here. Sitting on my bed. Iíve been in this room for 3 years. It almost looks like a college dorm, I think. And itís my room but itís not really my room because like I canít do what I want with it I mean if it was my room the walls would be painted differently. Itís not my room; Iím just borrowing it.

JPW 1: All right ladies. Iím going to let you out. I want you guys to get out, line up.

[Unlocks cell. Hear key turn in lock.]

CRISTEL: Thank you.

[Hear girls talking]

JPW 2: Line up at the gate. Ladies conversations no longer.

[Hear cuffs being adjusted]

CRISTEL: What theyíre doing now is theyíre putting the cuffs on.
JPW 1: Come on honey

[Girls talking fades down]

CRISTEL: I hate the cuffs. Just the sound of the cuffs, they go clickclclclclcick. Just the sound of the cuffs make me sick. And the staff sometimes, they walk around and they play with the cuffs and you hear clickclclclclick. I hate I hate I hate it so much.

JPW 1: Everybody face forward, quiet in line, you know the routine.

RESIDENT: You're putting on a big act....

JPW 1: Iím gonna put on a act on when I give you discipline for talking back to staff too...

GIRL: Whatís up, whatís up, whatís up?

[Girls talking fades down and out]

Cristel: When I first got here I used to wild out all the time. I remember one time, I was in my room and I started like banging my head against the wall. It was hurtin', but I just kept hitting my head but and it was like Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! And like my forehead was getting sore and bigger and bigger and bigger. I started pulling my hair, and just like pulling it, because they wanted to put the cuffs back on. But um after like hours, they finally put me like on a full restraint. My hair all over the floor and stuff. I was bad. I was really bad.

[Hear girls talking. Fades up]

[Girls get quiet]

JPW 2: All right ladies, pay attention. Everyone is going to do something. Walk, weight room, something. Youíre not going to sit down. Letís go.

[Hear girls yelling, playing basketball]

CRISTEL: Everybody goes to gym. For about an hour, five times a week. You know to release our stress. Some girls are here for three months, others are here for four, five, a year. Iím the only one with like, years, over my head. So Iím here for a long time and other girls they just leave, the next day, the next week, the next month. And Iím just sitting here watching them, come and go, come and go.

[Girls playing basket ball fades out.]

CRISTEL: I was five months pregnant when I went to the training school. Going on six, hold on, [counting] March, April, May, June, okay. Six, yup. And um on June 7th they brought me to the hospital. The baby decided to come the next morning at 6. She had these pink lips and she like she just lay in my arms and I breast fed her. And um. And then the staff said okay you have to go now, and they put the cuffs on me, and they put me in the van and I left.

RAYONNA: I got a present.
CRISTEL: Hey baby.

[Playing with Rayonna]

CRISTEL: Today is Sunday. Um at this moment weíre having visits.

CRISTEL: [To her daughter] Run! Run! Iím going to follow you!

[Cristel chases Rayonna around room]

CRISTEL: When Rayonna visits we go straight to my room.

RAYONNA: Oh letís play doughÖ
CRISTEL: Okay letís play that.

CRISTEL: My daughter has wicked curly hair. Her eyelashes are long, she has my eyes. Theyíre big and round.

CRISTEL: [to Rayonna] All right, All right letís play. [Counting] One, count them.
RAYONNA: One, tworee
CRISTEL: Two.
RAYONNA: Two, three, four

[Rayonna continues counting, fades down]

CRISTEL: While Iím in the training school, my daughter stays with her grandma and her daddy. She knows Iím her mother but she looks to her grandmother more than she looks to me, when she needs help or anything. [Pauses] Iím just there. Sort of like, extra.

[Hear knocking on door]

CRISTEL: Yeah?
MALE CO: Okay, ten seconds.
CRISTEL: Okay.

[CO unlocks door and opens it]

CRISTEL: Bye, baby. [Kisses Rayonna goodbye] You wonít see me for a while. All right, you gonna behave. I miss you.

[Hear footsteps, walking away]

[RAYONNA starts yelling]

CRISTEL: You behave and you stop being spoiled.

[Footsteps fade down and out]

[JPW: Can you say bye to mommy now? Mommy going away]

[CRISTEL RIFLING THROUGH PAPERS]

CRISTEL: Okay um I saved a few uh newspaper clips about my crime. The headline, says um, ëThirteen year old girl gets attacked in front of Nathaniel Green Middle School, with a razor blade.í [PUTS PAPER DOWN] I was 15 years old, it was 1996, and my sister kept telling me that this girl was bothering her, and then she came home one day um with scratches, she had a scratch on her face, and I got real mad and I decided I was going to take action. I walked to Nathaniel Green Middle School. I had the razor in my hand, and I was like which oneís the girl Zoila, she was like, see the girl with the book bag, and I ran and stepped right in front of her and we started arguing. She said, ëIím not scared of you, leave me the fuck aloneí and I just started hitting her. I remember I had the razor in my hand and I just I grabbed her hair, and I just pulled her face to the side and I started cutting her. The first line just went "kchhh" damn. Um I donít remember how many cuts she had, but I know that her nose almost came off. I mean, this girl, her face was so cut up that her skin had to be held together because it was just falling apart. But thanks to God sheís fine now. Physically I mean. I donít know mentally. [SOUNDS OF KEYS] I mean I know why I did it, I know what was going through my head then. But it just doesnít make sense today. It just doesnít make sense.

PASTOR: Okay can we all join hands please. Please? Thank you. All right. We all are in here together. All in here for different reasons, but we all can get along. We can make it the best thing thatís happened to us, or the worst thing thatís happened to us. Lord I want to thank you for my sisters here.

[PASTOR prays, fades down]

CRISTEL: When I first came to the training school, I couldnít deal with it I mean uh I was like always fighting with the staff, it didnít matter who it was to tell you the truth. I hated everybody. They had drug addict groups, health groups, arts and craft groups, the Bible study group, because they felt like that maybe if anything else doesnít work, the spiritual side of you will kick in.

[Prayer fades up]

MINSTER: Amen.
GIRLS: (all) Amen.

[Group begins singing song]

CRISTEL: Like they used to want to sing songs. Like why are you singing these fucking songs. These people are dumb. What a dumb bitch. That ladyís fake. I mean, I used to just think like that, and then like in the morning I see the girls surrounding Jenna, and hugging her and like laughing, and in my head I used to be like, be like, would you just shut up? Just shut up! Youíre annoying me. Itís too early in the morning for you to be laughing. But now I do it. [Small laugh]

[Song fades up]

GROUP: [singing] We all need it. We canít live without itÖ]

[Song fades down and out]

CRISTEL: Okay. Letís go back a little. My mom has six kids. And she was like an immigrant, she was illegal. She was always working this job and that job, and I remember we lived in abandoned houses where it was like cold, and there was no gas, and our clothes weíd get it from churches. And there was just um this man, my stepfather, well, I donít know what he was. My momís boyfriend. He went to jail, he was always in jail for selling drugs, he was so stupid. He got, he would like go to jail for like every 4 months, then the drug addicts would come to the house, all drugged up, picking at their faces, and the police coming in and raiding the house. They would like practically break everything in the house, the sofas, the bed, dump the rice's, the food out in the garbage. And we would just stand there and look at everything. The cops holding a gun to his head, my mom getting searched, and I mean it was it was real fucked up. And I just, I hated him for that, and I just wanted to, I wanted to kill him, literally. I remember I was 12 going on 13, thatís when I got my period too, and I was just angry and I was like, fuck it. Payback time. I was out of control.

[Hear people moving around, talking]

JENNA (JPW): Letís go, come on hurry up.
CRISTEL: Iím coming. Iím coming. Jenna. I love Jenna. Jenna is just the staff thatís been here for like 32 years or something like that. I like talking to her.

[Door closes]

CRISTEL: [to Jenna] Um, youíve been here long enough to see my changes. What do you think about me?

JENNA: I feel like youíve evolved from, like, a little punk, who came in here with a lot of attitude and was ready to fight the world. Didnít care how big, or who it was, and youíve changed into a very loving adult, and mother. And now everybody looks up to you. Including some staff, Cristel. Including some staff because you know I couldnít do it. I could not keep my emotions so well inside like you do and write them all in my journal all the time. And you do very very well at that. Youíve grown so much, that itís amazing, it really has, youíve grown up, and youíve become a young lady.

CRISTEL: You hear that? A young lady.

[Cristel and Jenna laugh]

[Preparing for lights out. Hear guards moving around, doors closing, keys jingling]

JPW 1: Oh, lights off?
JPW 2: Lights out
JPW 3: Letís go.
JPW 1: Enoughís enough. Letís go. Come on.

CRISTEL: The anger didnít go away, it just didnít disappear. Itís still there, I feel it. But not in a way that Iíll go blind and you know do something stupid.

[Hear door open, and close]

CRISTEL: Um, Iím in my room. Itís 12:42 a.m. [sighs] I canít go to sleep.

[Hear knocking noise]

CRISTEL: Sheís knocking on the wall. Sheís really...The girl next to me, um, sheís still awake, and sheís bored. What we do is we knock on each otherís wall hoping that the person next to us will knock back.

[Hear knocking get louder]

CRISTEL: This girl is brand new. [Knocking stops] She quit. [Laughs] Sometimes you know, I just look out the window and I just sit there and think like something I decided in 10 minutes changed my entire life. Not even 10 minutes. I mean 3 years gone by and Iím still sitting here. What would I be doing if I was out? What would my life be like? Would I have finished school? Would I have settled down? Would I have done something worse? I just look out the window and I think about all this stuff. Well. Good night.
[tape clicks off]

[Hear people talking, fades up]

CRISTEL: Okay, um today is Thursday, the 20th. Time for court.

BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, all persons having business before this courtÖ

[BAILIFF continues, fades down]

CRISTEL: Depending on your sentence the girls go to see the judge for like review.

[BAILIFF: Öto be heard. God save the state of Rhode IslandÖ]

CRISTEL: Iíll talk to you in a little bit. Bye bye.

[Hear people talking outside of courtroom]

CRISTEL: Okay um, I went in, and the judge, he kept telling me how well I was doing that I was a model resident, I was a level 4, that I did Project Peer, and I did all this stuff, and then, I donít know what got into him to tell you the truth. The judge looked at me and he said, release her. Just let her out. I was just like, excuse me?

[People talking outside courtroom fade down and out]

CRISTEL: [sing-songy] Iím leaving. Iím leaving Iím leaving Iím leaving today. [Zips bag] My room is empty right now, thereís no sheets on my bed, my drawers are empty, I still got to clean this room. [Laughs] Thereís a carrot on the floor. My god, Iím leaving this room. Whereís my watch and my coat? Voila.

[Hear door hinges squeak]

CRISTEL: And Iím closing the door.

[Hear door slam]

CRISTEL: Thereís Jenna. So what do you think about me leaving this place finally, since Iíve been here for 3 years and a half.

JENNA (JPW): Iím really worried about you leaving, to be perfectly honest. In a lot of ways I donít think itís right.

CRISTEL: That Iím getting out?

JENNA: No, Iím glad that youríre getting out.
CRISTEL: Iím like, excuse me?
JENNA: Itís only fair that youíre getting out. But Iím really worried for you. And I think itís going to be a real shock for you at first. You know people around here try to tend to make you guys be robots. Youíre not supposed to have any emotion, youíre not supposed to act up, youíre not supposed to get upset. You know what I mean? And that, thatís not normal, thatís not normal, and thatís what Iím afraid that youíve been holding in for so long. Iím just not sure how thatís going to work out. But I think youíll be okay, I do, but Iím just, you know, worried. Just take care, all right? [Yeah]

[JENNA kisses CRISTEL good-bye]

[Hear traffic]

CRISTEL: Iím here in front of the gate, Iím saying my last good-byes.
JPW: All tears, nothing but tears.
CRISTEL: You believe one day I didnít even like you?
JPW: Remember I told you? She hated my guts [yeah]. Sheís like I canít believe one day I didnít like you. Comes with the job. First you hate, then you love.

[Cristel gets in car. Hear door slam and motor start.]

CRISTEL: Bye training school.

[Motor roars, then fades out]

[Hear TV announcer talking]

RAYONNA: Hello? Are you on? [Yeah] All right.
CRISTEL: Itís 10:48pm and itís my first time falling asleep with Rayonna since she was born. Sheís almost 4. She feels so small, so soft, so different. Itís cool. You wanna say good night?
RAYONNA: Good night
CRISTEL: Good night Rayonna.

[TV announcer fades out]

CRISTEL: [singing] I have faith to believe Iím never sad and blue, you brighten up my day in your special way.

[As CRISTELíS singing fades down, MUSIC fades up]

CRISTEL: I remember just staying up, I think around five the sun came out and it was so beautiful, and it just made me think like, this is what normal life is like. I remember this now. I remember it.

[Music fades up, "Don't Put Me Out" by R. Kelly - fades down, and out]



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