Doing Time: John's Diary
Prison Diaries
Produced by: Joe Richman All Things Considered (NPR)
1/2/2001


NOAH ADAMS, HOST: Polk Youth Institution in Butner, North Carolina is home to more than a thousand young men between the ages of 18 and 22. There sentences range from a few months to life. If you go to the "C" unit at Polk and walk up two flights of stairs you'll arrive at cell number 302. It is John Mills cell. John Mills is serving 7-9 years for armed robbery. This is his story.

JOHN: I wanted to be a police officer, you know what Iím saying? When I was smaller used to think about that all the time, be a police officer. All the sirens, loud noises, blue lights and stuff. That was just something I always wanted to be. But now I hate the police. (laughs)
(knocking)
JOHN: I know my life just took a big turn somewhere. I just donít know where.
OFFICER: all right fellahs, itís five thirty. Get dressed and make your beds up. Letís go. Time to get dressed five thirty.
(sound of inmates moving)
JOHN: So my name is uh John Mills. Iím 21. Black male uh in prison. (small laugh)
OFFICER 2: bed number 12, 14. Come on do what you got to do. Make up this bed. itís a new day.

(hinges squeak, door slams)

JOHN: Iím walking around now coming out my room.
(inmates talking, walking)
JOHN: just recording the regular routine that goes on around here. This is usually how loud it is for forty-five minutes to an hour every morning.
MAN: come on letís go, letís move, move your body.
[JOHN - what's up what's up?]
JOHN: I was considered a criminal if you knew me out there. Robbing was the best thing I did you know. robbing stores, robbing drug dealers, robbing crack heads, robbing people that drove Lexuses. I robbed between the ages of 15 and 17 at the time I got locked up I robbed about 75-80 people. And in a way I sometimes I be thinking Iím glad you know, Iím glad I came to prison you know? I feel like if I would have never gotten caught then I probably would still be out there robbing' people.

FEMALE OFFICER: All right fellahís weíre gonna go outside. Once the doorís shut thatís it.
(door slams)
(footsteps on gravel, inmates moving around yard)
JOHN: this is single cell 2 and single cell 3 rec yard. Here all the inmates come out between the hours of 8:30 to 11:00.
INMATE: Whassup?. Would you happen to have a cigarette?
JOHN: no thatís the only one I got.
INMATE: oh okay.
JOHN: you can fire it up though.
INMATE: I gotta find another cigarette john john.
JOHN: go ahead here Iím bout to walk.
(footsteps)
JOHN: That was uh James Wilkson, in here for murder.
JOHN: Thereís all types of things you might see on the rec yard. people getting their hair done. We have a volleyball court, 4 or five horseshoe pits, weights, but Iím mostly on the basketball court.
(men playing basketball)
Here on this court, all the good players play down here, the ones that you know can really play. And on the far end down there you know people that canít play all that good we play down there.
MAN: (in background) ShowTime!
(rim of basketball hoop shaking)
(walking)
JOHN: Uh weíre walking down towards the fence where inmates are not supposed to be. Thereís a sign directly in front of us that says, "Warning: anyone attempting to cross this fence will be considered attempting to escape. You can be shot." You have one fence about 8 feet tall with Constantine wire. Once you get over the first fence and you touch the next fence itís the sensor fence. Once you put 2 pounds of pressure on the wire there will be a alarm that goes off. If you do happen to get past that fence, you have about five rows of Constantine wire coming up from the ground. They got small razors that will shred you. Nobody probably will make it through without dying. If you do happen to get through it there is another fence, another censor fence. And if you get past that fence, uh, I think they should let you go.
(walking)
JOHN: Iíve been in prison for bout three and a half years now. Nothing changes. Nothing at all. Get up in the morning at 5:30, everyday. Get off, go to the rec yard, come back from rec yard, go in your cell for count, go to shower, come back from taking your shower sit in day room. Being in prison I mean its like playing a tape back or something. Same thing over and over again. Itís just like a dream.
(walking)

OFFICER 1: All you guys should be lining up just like I call your name. (yells) James Edward Curtell. Valentine.
(Roll call fades under)
JOHN: check check uh yeah this is uh John Mills. Iím now standing down here at inmate receiving at Polk Youth Institution which is where I work at now. This is a new job that I was assigned to couple of weeks ago. Supposed to have 27 inmates coming in today.

[sound of clothes being handed out]
JOHN: shirt and boxers, right here, shirt and boxers
INMATE: next man, next man
JOHN: next man, what size?

JOHN: So, what I'm doing now. the new inmates come in through receiving and I give em their clothes which is 2 shirts 2 boxers. These are the state issue shoes Bob Barker classics, that's the name of the shoe and I will hand it to the inmate at the window when he comes in getting em ready for prison life.


JOHN: What size pants? 36's?
INMATE: Next man, next man

JOHN: Iím not really supposed to be talking to them and stuff like that you know when they come in. But I be checking them out. I be noticing whatís coming back in style, like guys coming in with wave caps, you know what kind of shoes and what not. The stuff they be having on, it wasnít out when I was out you know. So then I might ask them, ëis that what they rocking out there now?í Yeah it makes me feel like Iíve been gone for a while.

JOHN: Next man, what size.?
MAN: 38 whites. 38 whites.
JOHN: Next man, next man.

[Scene fades out]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: K97.5 quiet storm request.
(Music: "Down Low" by R. Kelly)

JOHN: sitting here in my room smoking a cigarette, listening to the uh radio. This is a pretty good song. Itís by R. Kelly.

JOHN: So what Iím gonna do here while Iím in my room is clean up. Letís see this right here a little cologne smell. That they send samples in the People magazine with cologne sprayed on it like CK1 and Tommy Hillfiger. I put it up on my wall to keep my room smelling good. These pictures up here. Thatís a picture of my mom. Kind of got toothpaste all over it. Thatís how we kind of hang up things around here. I did have pictures of my girlfriend up but then I been locked up so long you know she finally stopped writing and stuff so I decided to take them down.

JOHN: Girls. Thatís. That is the hardest. Not having girls. I even heard gay people in here talk about missing girls. I mean you know, itís not just the sex part. Probably is mainly the sex part, but I mean you know, affection, have somebody to kiss, to roll over and hug on. I just do what everybody else do, to get by. You got your books and whatever you know. Sex books they get passed around bought and sold. [laughs] I rent mine out for $3 a night. You want to keep them all night return them you know in 24 hours. Thatís how you know I survive in prison you know. A certain hustle Iíve got to do. You want to look at my book, youíre gonna pay me. COD. Cash on delivery. [laughs]

(muffled voice over loudspeaker)
MAN: Itís count time. Count time. Letís go.
JOHN: Well they just cleared the count. (door closes) Iím going out there.
(door opens, footsteps, men talking)
(inmates rap - fade under)

JOHN: So now is uh everybodyís down in the day area. watching the Ricki Lake the regular routine. Playing dominoes some playing checkers. Thereís sometimes you know where I sit in the day area with other inmates and talk about you know robbing and how we used to do this. I donít even like reminiscing about it, but we do it, you know.
JOHN: Itís like if I see a gun on TV or something, I donít know they just beautiful. Just holding them, just looking at them, you know, even now I still think guns are beautiful.
(rapping gets louder)
JOHN: So, how you feel about being in prison man. I know you been in here for a while, has it changed you any?
INMATE: As far as um prison changing a man. It really wonít change a man. If you ask me, prison will make a man dumber. You know. Cause thatís all you do. Youíre getting institutionalized. Youíre sitting here doing nothing. You know what Iím saying. Most of us got jobs and really donít even do nothing. This is an illusion to me.
JOHN: They trying to I guess get that bad person out of you, but I see so many guys come back prison ainít doing nothing for them.
MAN: Whatís going on in that smoking area?
(rapping stops)
MAN: If youíre not smoking get out of the smoking area. ... If you donít have a cigarette get out of the smoking area.

(people stand up)

(sound of radio)

JOHN: So Iím back in my cell here listening to the radio. Just got uh a letter today. Yo this a letter from my mom. See what it says.
(rustling paper) She says, (clears throat) ëDear John, I hope when these few lines reach you they find you doing okay. I am fine. I hope you can read this letter Iím writing in the dark. I was writing you and the power went out. Little Robin which is my sister got married. Craig got fired from his job at food line. I hope you received the $10 that I sent. It was all I had. Well john Iím sorry I havenít written in a while but I love you and I think about you all the time. Keep the faith and I love you very much. Love, mommy.í (papers rustle) It gets me. ahh. Mentally sick. I miss that world you know? Miss my mom, miss things, I miss that, (sniffs)

(loud slamming sound, repeats four times)
OFFICER: (Yelling) Okay gentleman sit up on your bunks face the shower, no talking, face the shower, everybody face the shower.
JOHN: This is a live shakedown. This is John Mills.
OFFICER: top tier everybody ready?
walkie talkie noise
JOHN: They go through everybodyís cell searching, just taking everything. Iím just gonna record the sounds.
(door slam)
OFFICER: All the way over to the wall. Take everything out of your pockets and put in on the table behind you.
(movement in room)
JOHN: Iím three room 302 so they uh they are now searching me.
(walkie talkie noise, items dropped on floor)
OFFICER: Go ahead.
(door slam)
(echoey quiet)
JOHN: Son of a bitch. Dang man. Took everything. Hey!
(echoey voice)
JOHN: Wassup man. I know how it is dog.
(echoey laughter)
JOHN: I know how it is, these motherfuckers done took all my shit. Damn man!
JOHN: Took most of my hygiene. Took some letters, some pictures, all my new clothes, boots. They took a lot of stuff. Brand new batteries. (sighs) Not nothing really important, itís just the point you know? The officers they love what theyíre doing. Itís a lot you have to take, and I believe I done took a lot, in almost four years, I took a lot. (sighs) another one of those things you just got to suck in.
(PA Announcement: Attention all...)(fades under)
JOHN: So now weíre on lock down till tomorrow.

(PA Announcement ends)

(door shuts)

JOHN: Robbingí people was fun. Not like Iím proud of it or nothing. But when I was out there I did love the thrill of it myself. And the look is always first thing you get once you put the gun in their face. I always point the gun to they head you know. Itís always like "surprise!" and then they frozen. I love that look in they eyes. I lovedÖ I loved that when I was out there becauseÖ I donít know. I really canít explain it. Makes you feel you know "hey. I got em."

OFFICER: (To Walkie-Talkie) Officer be advised you got inmates 1017 for visitation.
(Sound of chairs moving)
JOHN: You doing all right?
JOHNíS MOM: Mmhm. So how things going with you?
[scene fades under]

JOHN: Mom always predicted my life, You're gonna be just like your daddy. I think he pulled like 5 years in prison. Just like your daddy. She used to say that the time. I started getting in trouble. Kicked off the bus, kicked out of school and then when I was 15 I robbed a store.

[scene fades back up]

JOHNíS MOM: I mean we were poor, but we werenít that poor that you had to go out try to take something from somebody else.
(people talking)
JOHN: It was just part of that life I was caught up in. I donít know if I never really apologized or not, but.
JOHNíS MOM: You really scared me. I mean I hate you got 8 years, but as time has progressed onwards, whatís it being going on four years you know I can see the change in you. You learned something.
JOHN: I donít think so. Not with the people I been locked up with. These some of the stupidest people I done ever met.
JOHNíS MOM: (laughs)
JOHN: But maybe I do need this time you know to think. But I done, I done thought all I can think.
JOHNíS MOM: Like I say, it could be worse. You alive, you know. I could be visiting you putting flowers on your grave. But I got this opportunity to share with you, spend with you, it does me good. Does me good.
(loud beep)
OFFICER ON LOUDSPEAKER: Attention our visiting hours is now over. Now will all visitors exit the institution.
JOHN: Tell em all I say hey and I love them.
JOHNíS MOM: sure will
(chair scrapes)
(people moving talking)
JOHN: I love you.
JOHNíS MOM: I love you too. Take care.
JOHN: All right.
OFFICER: clear for security!


JOHN: I feel like you know thereís a dark side to everybody. I donít know I mean I look at it like this. I always be someone able to rob you, shoot your house up, take your car, cash a check. You know, itís not my, I always be that person I believe. Canít nothing change that uh, itíll always be a memory but I donít think there will ever be anybody that will be able to bring it out in me again.
(men talking, walking)
MAN: All right fellahs, lights out time. Now everybody get in to bed letís go. Cigarettes out. Letís go fellahs.
JOHN: I just had to figure that all out. That puzzle you know. That was clustered up in my mind or whatever. I canít get those years back and things Iíve done I canít change that but like I say I got another chance. Iím still Iím only gonna be 26 thatís not too old. You know I want to live a normal life, I want to get up in the morning, go to work, you know, get off of work eat a nice meal things like that. Like I say I'm gonna have a life when I get out.

MAN: All right fellahs. Lights out. No more talking. Letís go.
[doors lock]

JOHN: Sometimes I might lay here and listen to the radio
(Music: "Down Low" R. Kelly)
JOHN: And get my mind off being in prison. And once youíre laying in here and a slow song come on that I knew when I was out there in that world you know. It gets me just thinking. Laying there zoned out bout one in the morning it feels good. Lot of places you can go at one oíclock in the morning in here.

PA Announcement: Attention all....(fades out)

(Music fades in, up and out)



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