Josh in New York City, New York: "First Kiss"
TEENAGE DIARIES
Produced by: Joe Richman
All Things Considered (NPR)
9/2/96


NOAH ADAMS, Host: It's All Things Considered, I'm Noah Adams.
For many young people, summertime is a season of adventure. A chance to try something different; a different place, new friends, perhaps even a new personality. For our series, Teenage Diaries, we've been giving tape recorders to young people around the country so they can document part of their lives. In April we broadcast a story from Josh Cutler, a 17-year old who lives in Manhattan. Josh has Tourette's Syndrome, a neurological disorder that causes uncontrollable tics and verbal outbursts.

In our last story, Josh talked about the difficulties Josh he sometimes faces socially at school. And now Josh has sent us another diary entry. Josh spent his summer at Bennington, Vermont, taking part in a program where high school students go to some classes and get a preview of college life. For Josh, it was also a chance to have a fresh start.


[basketball bouncing]

JOSH'S MOTHER: Okay Josh, time to go.
JOSH: One more lay-up for the road.
MOTHER: Come on, make that basket and lets hit the road. Go.
[basketball bouncing, ball goes in hoop]
MOTHER: Good for you. Okay.
JOSH: Okay, we're ready.

[car door slam, car starts]

FATHER: Got your seat belt on Josh?
JOSH: Just about. Always wear your seat belt.
[car sound fades under]

JOSH: My name is Josh Cutler. I'm 17. Right now we're on our way to glorious Bennington, Vermont. We're driving off in our burgundy Honda Accord.

[car radio]

JOSH: That was the radio. [soft guitar music] Yecchh. [turns to another station, Meringue music] This is great. [music continues]

FATHER: Josh, are you nervous at all about going to Bennington?
JOSH: Ahhhh, honestly? No. [laughs]
FATHER: You know when I checked with the Bennington office, they said usually it's about 2-3 girls for every boy.
JOSH: Yeah. That's why at the drug store I made it a point to buy condoms today.
FATHER: I see.
JOSH: [laughs]

[music fades under]

JOSH: I guess my parents have some idea of what they want. Probably for me to meet lots of cool kids and probably have girlfriend. I guess in some ways I am nervous. My history with girls isn't nearly as good as it should be. I haven't even kissed a girl, to be honest with you. Umm. Not to say that the people at school don't like me, it's that they just don't pay much attention to me cause they're used to me being the kid with Tourette's. Rather than as an actual human being. This summer I want to make a fresh start with people. And that's what I think I need.

MOTHER: Bennington College
FATHER: All right. You did it. [clapping]
JOSH: So, we're here.

[car sounds fade out]

MOTHER: Well, good luck. Have a great summer.
FATHER: Good luck, Josh.
MOTHER: How about a big kiss.
JOSH: Yeah. [kiss]

[sound fades out]

JOSH: Monday, 11 am Eastern Daylight Time. I'm here at Bennington College. I'm at the July Program. I'm going to go to Commons right now, which is the main meeting place.

[door opens, boys talking]

YOUNG MAN #1: No, Coke is much sweeter.
YOUNG MAN #2: Who likes Coke?
YOUNG MAN #3: Pepsi's the best.
YOUNG MAN #2: Pepsi kicks ass.
YOUNG MAN #1: Yeah.
[conversation fades under]

JOSH: It's kind of a challenge. I think it's a fun challenge, but a scary one too. To go and meet a whole bunch of new people I've never seen before.

YOUNG MAN #1: What's your name, I forget?
JOSH: Josh. What's yours? Dave, right?
YOUNG MAN #1: Right.
YOUNG MAN #2: Josh, what kind of music do you like?
JOSH: I like Meringue. Like Spanish music?
YOUNG MAN #2: Like Flamenco guitar?
JOSH: No. You never heard on the radio, 97.9? In New York, it's like: [Spanish, imitating announcer's voice]
YOUNG MAN #2: Oh, yes. Yes.
YOUNG MAN #3: Anyway, you were saying?
JOSH: Umm. Here's the thing. I'm doing a radio show because I have Tourette's Syndrome. Do you know what it is? It causes involuntary tics and...
YOUNG MAN #1: Do you seriously have Tourette's Syndrome?
JOSH: Uh huh.
YOUNG MAN #1: Really.
JOSH: I'm not kidding. A lot of the time... the major problem is that I say things I don't mean.
YOUNG MAN #3: What do your usual tics say?
JOSH: All sorts of things.
YOUNG MAN #3: Like what are your favorite...
JOSH: I'll show... I don't have any favorite ones, this is a disease, you know.
YOUNG MAN #3: I know, I mean your worst words.
YOUNG MAN #1: Anyway...
YOUNG MAN #2: Josh have you ever had a girlfriend?
JOSH: Yeah.
YOUNG MAN #2: Because relationships are difficult.
JOSH: For anyone.
YOUNG MAN #2: But do girls feel, I don't know, imposed by it?
JOSH: No, they feel like... like they sometimes say, I hear them saying he's cute, but I don't want to be around somebody doing all those things.
YOUNG MAN #1: Really?
JOSH: Yeah.
YOUNG MAN #2: I.... I myself have never actually had a girlfriend.
YOUNG MAN #1: Neither have I.
YOUNG MAN #2: Really? Are you serious? Cause I have trouble enough talking to girls. I'm shy. But I'm sure, you're not shy from what I've seen.
JOSH: No. But you know, you find out the truth: it's not the hot guys who get the girls, it's the brave guys who get the girls.
YOUNG MAN #2: [laughs]
YOUNG MAN #3: Want some chips?
JOSH: No thanks, it's getting close to dinner

[sound fades out]

[cafeteria sound fades in]

JOSH: Okay, time for dinner.
YOUNG WOMAN #1 (in background): Hey Rachel, hi Cath.
JOSH: Even from the beginning, I was wondering where to eat. And these two girls, Leah and Celeste, came up to me and they asked me if I wanted to join them.

[students chatting]

JOSH: Actually, the food, as college food goes this is pretty good. Do you agree? Umm. Do you know what pumpernickel is? It's just rye bread with coffee mixed in. Did you know that?
YOUNG WOMAN #2: I wasn't aware of that
YOUNG WOMAN #3: Ewwww.
JOSH: What's your name?

[cafeteria sound fades out]

JOSH: Testing one, two, three. Okay, we're good. Wednesday, 8:43 am Eastern Daylight Time. I'm getting ready to go to law class now. My roommate David's still asleep. The class starts at nine. [door opens] Leaving my room. [key in door] Lock up. Put my key in my pocket and we're out of here.
[walking]
JOSH: I'm taking two classes: poetry and law. Yesterday as part of a trip for our law class, we went to the Vermont state prison and it was really interesting. We talked to the guards and we met a couple of the inmates. And we saw how the whole prison system works in that regard. And we went to Ben and Jerry's after it. I had a big shake.
[walking]
JOSH: Good morning, how are you.
[walking]
JOSH: Bennington's a kind of artsy-fartsy place. And I'm, as my mom says, a Rockefeller Republican. I'm certainly not a Democrat. So. It's impossible not to fit in at Bennington. You'd have to be like neo-Nazi for people not to like you.
[walking outside, shaking sound]
JOSH: That's my Tic Tacs jingling in my pocket. All around me I can see all the dorms. There's Booth right there, where I live in. And then there's Patrick. Booth and Sautelle are the only boys dorms. I picked to be in Booth because it's the boys dorm where smoking's not allowed. I hate smoking.

[walking, approaches group of girls]

YOUNG WOMAN #1: Give me a cigarette. Do you have a lighter?
YOUNG WOMAN #2: Yeah. [lights cigarette]
YOUNG WOMAN #1: Oww. [laughs] Teenage smokers, what idiots. [laughs]
JOSH: Not me.
YOUNG WOMAN #2: Man, that cigarette's bad.
YOUNG WOMAN #3: Camels are much better.
YOUNG WOMAN #1: Oh God, Christin can go on forever. I'm sick of her talking about cigarettes. Okay, let's talk about something interesting. Let's talk about sex.
JOSH: Yeah.
YOUNG WOMAN #1: Okay Josh join in, sit down.
JOSH: Okay, I have class in ten minutes, so..
YOUNG WOMAN #1: Well you have ten minutes to sit your ass down and talk to us about your sex life.
JOSH: That's right.
YOUNG WOMAN #1: So...
JOSH: Yeah, I need to score.
YOUNG WOMAN #1: But maybe one day you will. [laugh] Josh has a smile.
JOSH: So does Darlene.
YOUNG WOMAN #1: No I.... yeah I do. [laugh]
JOSH: Okay, I have to go to law. Bye.
YOUNG WOMAN #1: Bye.

[walking away]

JOSH: Not many people are really interested in relationships here. There's mostly just fooling around.

[walking sound fades out]

JOSH: Thursday, 11 am Eastern Daylight Time. Well.. Um. Last night I was with a girl. We were hanging out in the dorm and then we went off for a little while. And... I wound up making out with her under a tree. In the forest. I didn't really know her very well. It just kind of happened. She just grabbed my hand and gave the obvious: "you want to go for a walk?" So... That was actually my first experience with a girl I've ever had. It just felt so... I don't know. For a few hours before I fell asleep I was still in a state of shock and euphoria. I was scared it was never going to happen.

[bass guitar sound fades in]

YOUNG MAN #1: Okay who is this girl?
JOSH: I promised her I wouldn't tell.
YOUNG MAN #2: All right, you haven't told then.
YOUNG MAN #1: What house is she in. Is she cute?
JOSH: I suppose.
YOUNG MAN #1: Was she in here before?
JOSH: No.
YOUNG MAN #2: Has she ever been here?
JOSH: Yeah.
YOUNG MAN #2: I hate to sound callow. But, uh, how far did you get?
JOSH: Second.
YOUNG MAN #1: Okay who is this girl.
YOUNG MAN #3: What's going on?
YOUNG MAN #2: Josh hooked up.
YOUNG MAN #3: He did? Who? Who?
JOSH: I can't tell, I promised.
YOUNG MAN #3: Ohhhh. That's wrong, that's so wrong.
YOUNG MAN #2: That mess is devious.
YOUNG MAN #1: We're all one family here.
YOUNG MAN #3: All right, check you all later.

[bass guitar ends]

JOSH: Well, it's the last day. Saturday, it's 10 in the morning. My parents are going to come pick me up in an hour. So I'm still sitting here in my dorm room. My luggage is packed and ready to go. All the people are outside are leaving. I'm looking out my window. I see Martin and Celeste. There's Daria. Everybody's gathered on the benches. There's Ben over there. Everybody's outside crying. Here comes Jan with the nose ring. I'm going to miss all of them. I'm really kind of touchy right now. I'm gonna finish it up later.

[walking outside]

YOUNG MAN #1: Take care, bye.
JOSH: Bye.
YOUNG MAN #2: Hey man, good luck.
JOSH: You too.
YOUNG WOMAN #1: You're going?
JOSH: Yeah.
YOUNG WOMAN #1: [crying] Bye.
JOSH: I'm glad I met you too. Was it worth it? Me being a pain in the tuchas all the time?
YOUNG WOMAN #1: [laughs] That's how I like you. [hug]
JOSH: Bye
YOUNG WOMAN #1: Bye.

[sound fades out]

[Meringue music on radio fades in, announcer in Spanish]

JOSH: Well, I've been back in New York for three weeks now. One of the things I'm happy about is that I can listen to my favorite radio station again, 97.9, which I absolutely love.

[music]

JOSH: I'm sad to have left Bennington. But [paper rustling] what I have here is one thing I saved from the summer. It's an envelope on which this girl Nicole wrote down instructions on how to kiss. It says: "pucker lips, slowly open mouth, slowly slide tongue in, repeat steps 1, 2 and three." And she made that list for me because I made out with her and she said I was doing it wrong. So I guess that's the main thing I learned this summer.

[music]

NOAH ADAMS, HOST: This story was written and recorded by 17 year old Josh Cutler and produced by Joe Richman for the series, Teenage Diaries.

[music comes up for a while, then ends]



© 1996, Joe Richman