Juan from Denver, Colorado: "Back to Mexico"
TEENAGE DIARIES
Produced by: Joe Richman
All Things Considered (NPR)
7/7/97


RAY SUAREZ, HOST: This is ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. I'm Ray Suarez.
As part of our Teenage Diaries series, producer Joe Richman has been giving tape recorders to young people around the country to document their lives. A year ago, we first heard from Juan, a Mexican teenager living in Laredo, Texas. Juan talked about life as an illegal immigrant. He and his family crossed the border into the United States five years ago. This year, Juan left his family in Texas and moved to Denver, Colorado to look for work. He still has his tape recorder. This is his story.


JUAN: Well, this is Juan again, all the way from Denver, Colorado where I live. I'm back to recording, you know, I'm back in action.

[sound of door closing, music]

JUAN: You know, my room's a mess -- I can barely walk through here, you know. I live here with six people. We live in this one-bedroom apartment. It's kind of small, you know. My uncle and two of my cousins, they sleep at the living room. But it's cool, you know, most of the problem, you know, is at the kitchen 'cause when we all sit down to eat, it's like some of us have to wait 'cause we only have like about four chairs.

[Mexican music, Juan singing softly]

JUAN: I don't know if you noticed it, but I feel like my English is getting better. You know, especially in my pronunciation. My pronunciate -- pronunciate -- oh, you know, I still have problems with my English. Well, who's perfect? I remember the first time, you know, at the beginning, when I came here, I was sort of disappointed 'cause it was hard to find a job. But it's like, now, it's a total new life. You see, I have found this job in the factory where I work at the packaging department. When I get my paycheck, it feels pretty cool when you have the money to do these things. You know, you pay for your food, your rent, your bills. I feel like I'm not a kid anymore, you know. I'm a grownup now. I'm a man -- I'm the man. [laugh]

[sound of factory fades up, buzzer rings]

JUAN: There it goes. That was the bell to go to work, so everybody's coming to work and everything. Right in front of me is where we package, you know, stuff and, you know, like the belts, gloves. In here, we produce belts for, you know, for K-Mart, Wal-Mart, all kind of big companies; J.C. Penney's. That's what we do right here.

[machine sounds]

JUAN: What I basically do in this machine is I seal bags, you know, by pushing this button. There we go. This one has got a pedal on the floor. You just have to step on it and it automatically works to seal the bag. And that's what I do all day long is seal the boxes.

[machine sounds]

JUAN: And you know? This is a pretty cool place to work. Most of the people is Mexican and Vietnamese. There's this chick I really like. I don't know -- she's just beautiful. I'm just looking at her. She's got this black, long hair. She'sMexican, with like brown-dark eyes. I don't know, every time I look at her, I just get lost in her eyes. This girl tell me: ah, I heard that people from Texas; they really know how to party. And I go: better believe it, girl. You better believe it, 'cause we Texas people know how to party. I got to keep going, you know, because my boss is about to come, so I gotta keep going.

[machine sounds, fade to black]

[door opening]

JUAN: Well, this is Juan again. I'm here in my room after another day of work. Well, this is a shoebox where I keep my high school diploma; my letters, you know, my memory book, my money. My money? Five, six -- all I got left is 14 bucks and today's Tuesday. Damn. Damn. Well, you see, 'cause I get pay every two weeks. By the time I get my check, well, I have to pay for my rent, my food, and also always send some money to my mommy, 'cause I love her very much.

[telephone conversation]

JUAN'S MOTHER: (via telephone) Juano?
JUAN: Yeah.
MOTHER SPEAKING IN SPANISH
JUAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH
[laughter]

JUAN: I try to call my mom every time I can 'cause, I don't know, they -- I just feel like I miss them a lot and everything.

[telephone conversation]
MOTHER SPEAKING IN SPANISH
JUAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH

JUAN: Well, I was talking with my mom on the phone, and she told me that my grandfather, he's very sick. I don't know. It's been a long time since I done see my grandfather, you know. Actually, it's been five years since I left from Mexico to United States, so...

[sound of picture being handled]

JUAN: I found one of his pictures. My mom had always told me and everybody says that I look exactly like him, not just in my physical appearance, but also in my inside -- my feelings. Well, this might be my last chance to see him, you know. So I have decided that I'm going to go down to Mexico to see him.

[dogs barking]

JUAN: I'm already here. I just got off the bus to Mexico. The trip was long and I'm in (name of Mexican town). it's about 8:30 in the morning. I'm about to arrive to my grandfather's house.

[knocking]

JUAN: OK. Let's see if somebody's home.

[door opens]

JUAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH
RELATIVE SPEAKING IN SPANISH
JUAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH

JUAN: When I was coming into my grandfather's bedroom, you know, he was kind of sleeping, but as soon as I turned the light on, he woke up. He say "who'sthere?" And I didn't say nothing, so I just approached to him -- I approachedbut he look me, he start laughing and he say: "what you doing here, mijo?"
JUAN'S GRANDFATHER, SPEAKING IN SPANISH
JUAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH
JUAN: I'm so glad I came back.
JUAN'S GRANDFATHER SPEAKING IN SPANISH
[conversation fades]

[sound of door opening]

JUAN: Today is the third day, day three of my trip. I'm here it's Saturday. I'm in my grandfather's room. Right now it's about 5:30 in the morning. Well, he's lying on the bed.

[rustling sound]

JUAN: I want to change his diapers. He seems to be all... He needs new diapers. Let's see, how do you change his diapers? I've never done this before.He's cold and all dirty. Oh man, it seems pretty bad. I didn't expect this. I knew he was sick, but I didn't know he was this sick. Damn. I wish I could do something.

[door opens, dogs barking, footsteps]

JUAN: Oh, I just left the house. He fell asleep, so that's why I came outside to walk for a while, to think. My grandfather live all his life here in villa Juarez a los Calientes (ph). This little, little town, where you see -- all you see in the streets is cows, dogs, pigs, sheeps and all that. My grandfather was born in 1901, so you can imagine how old he is now. You see, 'cause he was a working man. He always worked. And all his life, he never had enough money -- not even to buy food. Not just that, but he didn't know how to write or read even Spanish, so you can imagine how hard it was for him. You know, it's depressing, 'cause in Mexico, it's a total different world. Either you're really rich or you're really poor, and I don't think I was rich.
[laugh]
Grandfather, I really love him. I admire him. He's like my role model. You know, I got the feeling in my heart that I feel sad just by thinking that. Probably I won't see him again.

[people speaking in Spanish]

JUAN: This is the last day -- this is my last day here in Mexico. I am standing here where all my family is. I'm here with my grandfather. He's lying on the bed, you know.
JUAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH
GRANDFATHER SPEAKING IN SPANISH
JUAN: There was a moment where, and I'll tell him, well, grandfather, this is time for me to go, you know, have to go back, and I search in my pockets and I find, you know, some money and I say: well, you know, now I can help out, you know. And he just laugh. And I say: why are you laughing? He says: well, I never expect you to give me some money, 'cause it's like it was yesterday when you were a kid, and everything. And then, I still remember the smile on his face. He was pretty excited and everything, not because of the money, abut because of the fact that -- you know, I was helping out and he thought, like, I don't know, like he kept saying that he was proud of me. He was proud, you know?

[music fades up]
[sounds of kissing, saying goodbye: Adios. Adios. Adios.]

JUAN: It was funny, you know, because as I was coming back from Mexico, I felt like, I don't know, I sort of opened my eyes to appreciate what I've done so far, 'cause I've got to realize how far I have gone in life, and that's a prettygood feeling.

[Mexican song]

RAY SUAREZ, HOST: Our story was written and recorded by Juan and produced by Joe Richman for the series Teenage Diaries.

[music comes up for a while, then ends]



© 1997, Joe Richman