Melissa in New Haven, Connecticut: "Raising Issaiah"
TEENAGE DIARIES
Produced by: Joe Richman All Things Considered (NPR)
11/10/97

ROBERT SIEGEL, HOST: This is All Things Considered, Iím Robert Siegel.
MARSHA BRANDWIN, HOST: And Iím Marsha Brandwin. As part of our occasional series, Teenage Diaries, producer Joe Richman has been giving tape recorders to young people around the country to document their lives. One year ago we met Melissa, an 18-year old in Connecticut. In her first story, Melissa chronicled her pregnancy and the birth of her son Issaiah. Melissa is 19 now and still raising Issaiah on her own. This is Melissaís story.

(baby crying)

MELISSA: Oh, itís time to get up. My son Issaiah, heís one yearís old. Yeah I know (hums). Heíll get up around 8 or 7 oíclock in the morning and Iím just so tired that all I do is just lay on my bed.

(baby talk)

MELISSA: So silly. He likes to pull the covers off me and then heíll put it over my head, then heíll take it off. Like we playin peek-a-boo. Okay, come on, get out of my blanket. You know when you have a child of your own, itís just so many things I have to do and so little time. Now heís uh (laughs) heís using the bathroom. He holds his breath when he uses the bathroom to push, so, you know when he got to be changed. He goes (makes pushing sound) likes itís hard, you hear him sighing, yeah. (laughs, baby makes sound). Heís done.

(music: "New Relationship" by Usher)

MELISSA: I donít understand how he dances on beat. You know if itís a slow song heíll go from side to side slowly. And if itís a fast song, heíll move his head and his hands real fast, you know what I mean, I always thought babies were just moving, jiggling, jiggle, but he actually like moves with the beat.

(more music: "At this point, the situationís outta control...")

MELISSA: And he doesnít talk yet. But I didnít expect them to be so smart. I always thought their brain was just like closed down until they can start talking. But definitely I think their minds are working like engines. They know what they doing, because if they didnít, when they know, when they know they doing something wrong, they wouldnít give you that look like, Iím sorry.

(sound of something thrown)

MELISSA: Now why you gotta be throwing stuff? (another thrown object) Stop throwing that cup around.

MELISSA: Itís definitely weird that one night, you know, you gave birth and the next day heís in your house and you know, they grow with you everyday, every second, and you know, and thatís, Iím a really selfish person and thatís almost incredible to say that, that I can even do that. You know, Iím the baby, you know, I want to be treated as the baby, I want to be spoiled, I want to have everything I want, (another thrown object) you know, and now itís like, you know, he got to be spoiled, (thrown object) heís gotta have everything he wants, itís always his way. But it doesnít really bother me. (baby sound in back). Heís, heís part of me, you know, itís like, thatís me right there, so you know I feel like my selfishness is just going towards him, you know.

(music fades out)

(sound of water running in bathtub)

MELISSA: Well, like everyday we take a bath together. (water turned off) He likes the water. He really likes to splash people. (sound of splashing water) Wash behind your ear. (baby makes sound) I think itís funny when he scrinches his nose like this, and his eyes get real little and his mouth is wide open, showing his teeth. Looks like a little rat. Right boo-boo. I donít know, I just see him just being like this happy kid. You know what I mean, heís always smiling, he even smiles in his sleep. I mean thereís time, you just so, you know, full of the world, youíre so tired and donít want to be bothered, but when Iím in my bad moods, heís always like, thereís nothing wrong. You know, I mean before I had him, it was like when I was just in a bad mood, I would just stay in a bad mood. But when Iím in a bad mood around him, itís like, itís a different world when Iím with him. I donít know, heís just full of life, you know.

MELISSA: (whispering) Whoís that, whoís that? (playing, squeals, laughter, splashes, dripping) Okay, you ready to get out?
ISSAIAH: Ah.
MELISSA: Are you ready?
ISSAIAH: Ah.
MELISSA: You ready?
ISSAIAH: Ah.
MELISSA: Okay (sound of water draining from tub, baby fades)

MELISSA: I sometimes do feel like I have regrets, I have regrets of being, um, I guess sex, being so active at a young age. If I had to do it over again, I would definitely have changed every, just about everything. Tell you the truth, I love my son to death, but I would probably have waited maybe another 3 years to even have him, and I would have probably been married or some kind of engagement with the, um, father. With just one parent itís a lot harder. And, I mean, I guess his cries wouldnít bother me as much if, you know, I didnít have to hear it all the time. If I get tired of him, I can just tell his father to keep an eye on him for a while while I go for a walk, come back and everything be fine, but itís not like that now. I canít, you know, just say okay, give him to somebody and say Iím taking a 5 minute cigarette break or nothing like that.

MELISSA: Put your legs down so I can put your diaper on. (baby scream) There you go. Where are your pjís? What you do with your pjís? (music begins) You must be tired now, huh?

MELISSA: I get free medical for him, and I get 400 dollars a month, and about 130 dollars worth of food stamps. Itís the welfare program. And even though it sounds like a lot, it ainít much. You know. I mean thereís bills gotta get paid, rentís still gotta get paid, you know, I mean, 400 dolalrsdisappears in like, a week. I had me a little job. I was a secretary, but it was 6 dollars an hour, so thatís like just barely living. You know, it was hard, it was really hard, and I be in school til sometimes 5, 6 oíclock and then I would drop him off at the babysitter at like 6, and I would go to work from like 7 to 10 at night. I was barely spending time with him. Barely.

(music ends)

MELISSA: So, I decided to um quit my job and school, and I chose not to tell anyone what I was really doing because I just felt like, I guess I just wanted to wait til I felt comfortable with it before I told anybody.

(music starts)

MELISSA: For the last couple of months, 4 or 5 days a week, I drop Issaiah off at the babysitter and then for the rest of the night I go to my job.

MANíS VOICE: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, Iíd like to welcome to the stage.

(manís voice fades)

MELISSA: I am a stripper. At a bar. Just one night at the club I make just as much as I would at my regular job for a week. Most I make was 380 dollars a night and the least Iíve made was maybe 150. Itís not like thereís just these dirty, nasty, just crazy looking men up the, these are like business men and nice guys and stuff and for them to sit there and give 20 dollars at a time, 10 dollars at a time, even a dollar at a time, to me it sounds ridiculous. For me, I want to know why guys do it, but they do, you know. And you give em a good show, you get a lot of money.

(music fades out)

(sound of door closing; music starts with woman singing)

MELISSA: Okay, my favorite outfit, I call it the white slink. (laughs) Itís um, itís a body suit, itís a g-string body suit, itís all see-through. Itís like silk, but itís see-through. You have a white g-string underneath, you know, it makes me look innocent cause itís white, and itís not, itís like sexy, but not trashy, you know what I mean. The outfitís my favorite because when (laughs) when I unsnap it, you know they think that Iím taking it off, when I actually have something underneath still. You know, but itís still sexy, so theyíre just like going crazy and stuff, so, guys like that stuff like that. They donít want you to just, let it all out, they want to be teased. You show a little here, you show a little there, you go until you canít go no more.

(sound of rustling paper and knock on door)

MELISSA: Hi.
WOMANíS VOICE: Oh hi.
MELISSA: How long you been dancing anyway, I never asked you.
WOMANíS VOICE: Like 2 months.
MELISSA: Same thing as me.
WOMAN: Oh really.
MELISSA: Yeah, I started here.
WOMAN: So did I (laughs).
MELISSA: I need a cigarette, so Iím gonna see you out there.

(more music)

MELISSA: Well, that was my set. Um, when I would start I would feel real dirty about it. And I donít think, I donít take it as being so dirty. I take it as, you just entertaining people. You know, I donít think Iím degrading myself like I thought I would. I donít know, I donít think anybody should feel sorry for me or anything because I, I enjoy doing what Iím doing, you know. I mean, teen mothers have to what they got to do to survive, and this is exactly what Iím doing to survive.

(music ends)

MELISSA: Alright girl, Iíll be here Saturday, you coming Saturday?
WOMANíS VOICE: Yeah, alright Iíll see you.
MELISSA: Iíll see you.

(car door shuts; passing car beep)

(apartment door closes)

MELISSA: (under breath) Oh god.

MELISSA: I get back home after the club like at 2:30, maybe 3 oíclock. (sighs) When I come home Iím just so tired and so sore, you know your muscles are working so hard at, all I do is just lay on my bed and I fall asleep. Sometime I even fall asleep with my clothes on, I just lay there. I just lay there.

(music starts)

MELISSA: Sometimes I look back, maybe a year or two ago, but not so much. You know Iím the type of female that I never look at the stuff I used to have. I just deal with what I got. Iím not exactly sure how long Iím gonna do dancing. I donít know, Iím still shaky about it, Iím still kind of, I guess I can say Iím a little ashamed of it. I know a lot of people try to tell me, you know thatís not a good thing to do, I mean think about your son, think about how heís gonna react when he gets older. But if I was him, I would say, well my mother had to do what she had to do to take care of me. My father wasnít around, my grandmother wasnít around, you know there was nobody else there really caring for me but her. So, I donít think heís gonna look down on my for it. I mean, I would not have done it. I would not have be a dancer if it wasnít for him. And Iím not saying thatís a bad thing, Iím not saying itís a good thing, itís just whatís right.

(baby coos)

MELISSA: Okay, go to sleep. (baby sounds) When I look at him, the only thing I really be thinking about you know, I just look at him and Iím saying to myself, I wish I can give you more, you know, I just give him a look, just look at him, and say, you know, I hope Iím doing things right. I wish I can give you everything but I canít.

MELISSA: Kiss goodnight (kiss sound).

(baby coos)

MARSHA BRANDWIN, HOST: A teenage diary written and recorded by Melissa and produced by Joe Richman as part of an occasional series.

(music continues for several seconds and ends)



© 1997, Joe Richman